Instincts

I don’t know what instinct this is. But you just get that sudden pang of reality that something must be wrong.

Like how I sat at Houcaller Steakhouse for lunch last Saturday afternoon, there was something that told me he’s not there anymore. So I had to ask, minutes later indeed, I was right. Like how the girls walked into class this morning. That look on Sarah’s face, there was something amiss. When Doreen plopped her head on the table, it was confirmation. I couldn’t keep it in anymore.

I tried so hard yesterday, stop myself from staring at that empty drawer space he used to run in. Not think about it, not talk about it. Just pretended that nothing happened, I thought I did so well.

It felt weird in the morning; there was nothing to warm my cold hands when I walked out to the living room. It felt weird when I sat on the comforter placed on the floor without anything to look at. But I kept it all in; I thought I did so well.

This morning, that triggered it. It all came pouring out.

What ifs what ifs what if I keep asking myself. What if.